Top 10 Real Bumper Stickers to Avoid
Snarky, sarcastic and sometimes slightly sociopathic, bumper stickers are the first impressions we make with our fellow drivers. They represent out personalities, our political views, our alma maters – and for some – our current level of sobriety.
Sure, the sticker technology has been upgraded to magnets and window decals in some instances, but the spirit behind the bumper sticker remains unhinged. Oddly, through bumper stickers, many of us are comfortable “shouting” profanity-laced sentiments at strangers from our bumpers that we’d never dare share face to face.
We scoured the roads (and the Information Superhighway) to find the worst bumper stickers out there. Sure, many are funny, as long as they’re not on your car. Admittedly, it was tough to keep this list PG-13. We did our best.
1. I’m not wearing pants.
Well, at least you have a good reason to be excessively speeding en route to the Pants Store. Any decent cop should buy this story. Maybe keep an extra pair in the trunk for future.
2. I heart violence.
Broadcasting that you’re some sort of Mad Max vigilante isn’t smart on several fronts. First off, the fuzz won’t think this is as funny as you. You better be wearing your seatbelt, fully insured and registered if you fly this tiny adhesive flag. And second, you’re only attracting other sociopaths with this bold bumper sticker – as if your road rage wasn’t telling enough.
3. Be nice to America.
Or we’ll bring democracy to your country. We don’t need to taunt tourists and immigrants on our suburban mean streets and strip mall parking lots. After all, we already have all those pot holes to worry about. And for the record, they think you drive on the wrong side of the road, too.
4. Salt life.
These stickers are everywhere. What do they mean? That you like fast food or the ocean? Does anyone know…? (Yes, we’re being sarcastic. We now it’s some sort of beach wear and lifestyle brand. But it jumped the shark.)
5. Responsibly high free the weed. Marijuana on board. Yes we can abis.
Sure, some states have recently passed laws that easing some of the laws restricting possessing and using marijuana. But even if you’re driving a VW Bus through Denver, any of these bumper stickers might as well read, “Please pull me over” to Johnny Law. Let’s keep the weed propaganda to T-shirts and Phish reunion tour posters for the time being.
6. Horn broke. Watch for finger.
Fun fact: you can be fined $350 for excessively honking your horn in New York City. Flipping the bird? That’s fine!
7. Yes, this is my truck. No, i won’t help you move.
See what happens next time you need a ride to the airport, Selfish. You might at least score some free doughnuts or pizza for helping out a friend or stranger.
8. You looked better on MySpace.
It may be time for a new car. Or at least an oil change. MySpace hasn’t been popular since 2009. If a new vehicle isn’t in the cards yet, grab a Sharpie marker and simply edit to read “Instagram.”
9. Stick figure families.
Few bumper stickers or window decals spur as much venom and vitriol as those representing your family, and even pets, with cute little stick figures. There are probably more bumper stickers responding to stick figure families – a T-Rex, chainsaw or Grumpy Cat attacking a stick family, for example – than the original sticker. Maybe it’s OK to simply brag to fellow drivers about your fertility by driving a mini-van with four-row seating and a dozen bikes strapped to the roof. And not sticking these to your window.
10. Lost your cat? Try looking under my tires.
Cats are popular. Just check out YouTube, where feline videos rule. Good luck merging into the left lane or getting the benefit of the doubt when you park two inches past the curb, cat hater.
It’s truly amazing. You can immediately and significantly devalue a $40,000 investment in a nice new car by simply slapping a free bumper sticker on it five minutes after rolling out of the lot. Be yourself – but think twice before broadcasting it on your bumper. You never know who’s tailgating you.